New pain management program: Get Closer to Jesus

Go back…go back!
After being in the cave for so long, returning to a “normal” life presents challenges. I was working on my master’s degree in rehabilitation counseling when the trigeminal neuralgia became unbearable. When I was more than half-way into the program, my pain level peaked, and I could not concentrate.

I might have seen this coming if I had listened to my doctor’s advice. They were encouraging me to take a semester off. But I did not want to do that. Each course was offered on only once a year, and I thought that the degree was taking long enough. After all, I was not getting any younger. I was planning to start in a new field and would be making even less than I did as a teacher. I was determined to get back on the ladder of success. My cohort graduated without me, but I was too busy to give it much thought. I was managing my pain.

I had a pain management program designed specifically for me. It was called Get Closer to Jesus, and it is the best program I have encountered. After I was healed, I felt God leading me back to finish things that were left undone. After months of enjoying life without pain, I registered for class. It proved to be one of the most difficult things I have encountered, from registration to the final. The course was not difficult, but the anxiety was tremendous. I was returning to the very thing that had spurred my exhaustion and the escalation of pain. My friends were gone.

I had been in a cohort where people were friends with one another, but not with me. My best friend from my cohort had died without warning just a few months before class started. Now I was sitting a room where I had never been without her. Tears threatened me every moment, but with God's help, I completed the class.

Finally it was time to take that last class. I did an independent study, which relieves the anxiety about being in school without my friends, especially Susie. The university has a new on-line system, and it has seemed impossible to understand. Yet I have finished registration, another way realizing that with God all things are possible. The angst attached to the process is behind me. So is the last class. I am one step farther from the cave. Praise God! Praise God!

Altars in Obscurity

When one writes a testimony, the desire sometimes occurs to make oneself look better than he or she is. In With Great Mercy, I don’t look too good. I was often without hope. I was sick, and quite often I was very frightened. The truth offers no choice. To tell about God’s mercy, I have to also tell about how much I needed it. Although I am completely healed of trigeminal neuralgia through God’s divine touch, I still need His mercy just as much as I did when I was ill.

How does an individual emerge from social isolation? A few months ago, I thought I was going to begin a part-time internship for my master’s degree in rehabilitation counseling. I began the internship at which I was able to set my own hours. What a blessing. Not many agencies would allow this, but it is especially important to me because I still have quite a bit of fatigue.

I ventured from my home to go to the church twice a week. My hair was done; I had cosmetics on; my teeth were brushed. This might not sound like a big accomplishment, but for someone who could not accomplish these tasks because of the pain they once caused, I was making great progress. Thank You, Lord! Things were going just great. Then I realized the church had not advertised to the congregation that the services were available. A few people knew I was there, but most of them did not know why.

I am back home again. I am looking and waiting for another internship opportunity. Most of all, I am waiting for a breakthrough regarding With Great Mercy. My publisher has a book distributor. Part of the contract is that I purchase a quantity of books to sell on my own. Most of my portion is still here, stacked in boxes in my guestroom.

The message of God’s mercy waits to be held in the hands of humans. Just as these books are not touched, they do not touch anyone. Waiting is not easy. Through prayer, I was healed. Through prayer, the book was published. Through prayer, God gives me the ability to wait. Through prayer, His will shall be accomplished.

Each book is an altar. It represents obedience. It represents a sacrifice, and it contains my praises. I wrote it when I was too ill to concentrate, too ill to groom myself, too ill to communicate with others. Although it is my story, a story about how God’s mercy rescued me from the valley of the shadow of death, Jesus is the main character. God is the focus of the book.

My prayer is that these books will be placed in the hands of those who need a guide through their own pain. Their hands will touch the books, and the message of God’s mercy will touch their hearts.

Do I disappoint God?

The issue about disappointing God has come up more than once in the past couple of days so tonight I really pondered it. I believe that my sin results in a disappointment to God, but some of my friends disagree. Can we humans disappoint God? I do not have the answer.
When I think of God’s love, mercy, and sacrifice, I think no. His love is so huge that He understands. He knows I am human, and He expects me to fail. Grace exists so that His imperfect children can put on His righteousness. Then I think about Jesus and how He looked at Peter when the rooster crowed the third time. I wonder what the look on Jesus’ face conveyed. All I know is that Peter’s actions (weeping afterwards) showed remorse.. I can only guess, but I think he might have felt as though he disappointed Jesus.
My feelings of disappointing God come from within me. They are not a “guilt trip” from God or from the pulpit. I am not sad, but I am reminded that I should make the most of every opportunity God gives me.I also think about Moses when I feel that I have disappointed God. I think of Moses’ obedience and humility. He wasn’t perfect either. So many times I have felt sad when I think of Moses looking over into the Promised Land but never touching it. He never lived his dream. It is the God of the Old Testament who chastised Moses, and some can correctly argue that we have a new covenant. His Word clearly states that He does not change.The same God that would not allow Moses to enter the Promised Land allows him to reap an eternal reward. I am filled with reassurance when I think about it. It gives me hope. Once again it reminds me of God’s mercy, and His mercy frees me.

The Path

He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4.

When I realize that God has orchestrated an event (whether it seems significant or not) that occurs in my life, I am often surprised. I think that I should be more attuned to His presence and His plan for me. Then again, I am a mere human, and He is God. I cannot comprehend Him fully.I forget that He knows the number of hairs in my head. I forget how he takes care of the sparrow and clothes the lilies of the field. I forget that he is my shield and buckler. If I am in His will, then my footsteps are ordained of Him. Yet I remain nothing without Him. He has a plan for all of us, an ordained path for each of us to walk.

Recently I have been frustrated by the disregard some have shown for God’s holiness, His power, His love, His sacrifice. Then I am reminded of how many times I have disappointed God. My own life reveals past rebellion, and sometimes my present desires reek of pride. I am no better than anyone else. I must look to the cross and to our Heavenly Father to remember who I am. I am a lowly sinner who is saved by His grace. I am one of the people who denied Jesus. I denied Him when I rejected Him. My prayer is that I will never again deny Him and that I will continue to seek His will for my life. I need the peace that He brings. I need His love. I want to walk in the path that He has designed for me.

What do we do when doors seem to slam shut in our faces? We hear that when God shuts a door that He will open a window. Sometimes though, we are not in an edifice from which we are looking for an escape. We are in a wilderness, searching God's heart for His will.

We sometimes look for a way to regain our footing. Today I stand on a path that is obscured by circumstances. Circumstances are temporary, but God's plan will prevail. Circumstances are the opposite of faith. We see circumstances but must look and believe beyond them. Lord, today I ask you for a greater portion of Your grace, grace to help me remain where you have planted until it is time to move from this spot. I ask You, Loving Creator, to shield me as I wait for Your guidance. I praise You for the answers and the help that is on its way.

The Revelation of Growth

A few months ago, something happened that completely surprised me. I was cooking dinner and listening to praise music. Suddenly I began to thank God for the experience of having trigeminal neuralgia. I thanked Him for the experience. As I gave God praise, I realized that I was actually thanking Him for my own transformation.

In the Word, we are instructed to give thanks in all things. I had learned, during the illness, that praise was necessary. During the most excruciating moments, I learned to send praises up to Heaven. I did not thank God for the pain. I thanked Him for sustaining me. I praised Him for the healing that my spirit knew would come. I thanked Him for Jesus, who redeemed me through His death on the cross.

I had also praised God in the midst of pain because I wanted to fight the enemy, the one who had brought the illness. Always with me, God taught me to fight the good fight of faith. One day October 24, 2006, I was finally healed as I prayed and as others prayed with me. The touch from Jesus effected a change in my life. Although the pain left immediately, my body was very weak from enduring agony for an extended period. My faith, however, had grown strong.

How wonderful it feels to pray for others now instead of always being on the receiving end of prayers. My prayers still include praise. I cannot forget what Jesus did for me. When I thanked God yesterday for the experience of the pain, it was not the actual pain I cherished. I value the fact that I am no longer the same person that I was before trigeminal neuralgia attacked me. Although I was a Christian when I became ill, I did not love God with my whole heart. I held some of it back for me. It was my own bit of rebellion, a desire to choose the course for my own life.The transformation has resulted in wanting God to choose my direction. Now I realize that I truly am not my own. I belong to Him, and surrendering my will is a privilege rather than a battle. Jesus is my first love, and it feels so good to be cradled in His arms.

What the enemy whispers...

For so long, I had lived with no responsibilities except to manage my pain. Now that I was again functioning, my husband wanted to involve me in decisions about our household and our lives together. When I tried to get involved, I felt overwhelmed. Decisions seemed impossible to make.

One night, I felt particularly upset because my husband wanted to talk to me about my retirement account. I had not been involved with it in years, except to "sign here." Now I was faced with questions, and would I take a look at something? Let's get me involved again.

I remember standing at my vanity mirror. A face that was healed by Jesus, delievered from the grip of trigeminal neuralgia, stared back at me. Yet my heart quaked. I did not know how I could handle life again.

"Go back to bed. It is not worth it. Go back to bed. Life is too hard. Let other people handle these things for you. They will. Just go back to bed." The whispers were subtle but powerful. They were not audible, but they rolled skillfully through the receptors of my mind. I gripped the sink and looked through the bathroom door at the bed. It was the bed I had lain in while I suffered sheer agony, pain that I would wish on no one but the enemy himself.

I knew that if I went back to the bed that I would be giving up. I remember asking God for help, help to stay strong, help to embrace the daily tasks of life. God gave me the help. I asked my husband to make some decisions for me until I was stronger, and he agreed.

I make many decisions on my own now, but sometimes I need help. Every day, I need help from God. My thoughts are sometimes negative. Now I have ventured out in the name of and for the glory of the Lord. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I am challenged to do things I have not done in years or have never done before. Yet, God is always there. He lifts me up when I am weak and frustrated. God brings thoughts of His love into my mind when I struggle with holding onto His promises.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7. NKJV

The Lord honors our requests and replaces anxiety with peace. For me, it is a daily walk. Every day I must talk with God, walk with God, and read His Word. Those are the things I must do to have His peace, that passes all understanding.

Trigeminal neuralgia caused social isolation

Trigeminal neuralgia healed through prayer.

After I was healed, I was still very weak. Some of my friends expected me to bounce back as I had been years before. After all, I had received a miracle. I knew the pain was gone, and that was good enough for me.

I had experienced tremendous social isolation as a result of having trigeminal neuralgia. Although I am a naturally gregarious person, I began to withdraw from others when I was ill. The pain and disability caused me to become a recluse. I ventured out to church on Sunday nights; sometimes I was able to attend more often. My uncle was the pastor of this church, and I had much of the congregation all my life. I thought that if anyone would understand or accept me, they would. I was right about that.

After I was healed, I still wanted to be alone much of the time. I read more about miracles. Some people thought that mine was temporary. I knew it wasn't. I did not really understand what had happened and still do not. I just know that God touched me and that the pain left. I wanted to be alone with the Lord.

Eventually, I began to talk to my friends more and to see them, but going to the grocery store was still difficult even after one year of being healed. Some people had never believed that I was ill because the pain was so severe, complicated, and invisible. Trigeminal neuralgia cannot be seen. So I wondered what would people think of me now?

God always brings us out of our caves. He does not leave us there. Today, I have no anxiety about going to the grocery store. I don't like to go, but I did not like to before I ever became ill. I don't wonder what people think about my miracle any more. I just thank God for it. I thank Him for His Son, Jesus Christ.

How it all began

In the spring of 1998, I was attacked by a neurological dysfunction called trigeminal neuralgia. Electrocution-type pains penetrated the right side of my head: my jaw, my chin, my eye, my forehead, my mouth, and my teeth. A slight breeze across my face, a quick kiss from my husband, or touching my face caused pain that would cause me to cry out or scream. At times I fainted. I could not chew, so I resorted to eating sweets, letting them melt in my mouth. I was allergic to the anti-seizure medication that is prescribed for TN. Finally my physician found one medication I could tolerate, but it became ineffective against the pain.Sometimes, at home alone, I had such violent attacks that I could do nothing but scream until the violent pain relented. My body would go into an involuntary state as I tried to live through the pain, second by second. Fear gripped me. Brushing my teeth was the hardest thing, and sometimes I did not brush them for several days. Exactly two weeks before I was healed, I was struck so hard (while brushing my teeth) that I could not stop screaming. I had spent a good portion of the past seven years in tremendous pain, but I knew that healing was on its way. Two weeks later, I was healed. That was October 24, 2005. Since that day My family and I are celebrating the one year anniversary of life without trigeminal neuralgia. Praise God for His mercy and His healing power! I can chew crunchy, healthy food. I can brush my teeth. I can touch my face as often as I wish. Now I can enjoy hugs and kisses from my husband and enjoy the wind that breezes across my face.I was 41 when trigeminal neuralgia attacked. It was immediately after a root canal redo. I spent years in tremendous pain, God's love continues to restore me with blessings greater than what I imagined.One year, and I am free, free, free! Praise God!